The Hires & Heroes Update (v1.3.0)

Posted on November 18, 2022 by The Hires

Doe and Bro Vinci

H-E-L-L-O-O-O-O Toons of Toontown! Long time no see! It's me, Doe Vinci! Today's a very special day–both for me and for you! You see, I've decided to come back to Toontown! However, this time it's not just a visit! No, good Toons of Toontown, I've decided to move in! And it's not just me moving in, either! I've brought a special guest star: my brother Bro! "But why, Doe?" you may be asking yourselves. Well, aside from all the fun to be had, things to do, Toons to meet, and friends to make, it's quite simple! Take it away, Bro!

Sup, dudes! We hear you guys got a pretty bad robots problem, and we think we know just how to help you dudes out! You see, back home in Sky Clan, friendship and unity is super important. You simply take advantage of that bond you bros have with each other, and together you are unstoppable! Thus, we come to you dudes with a solution: clubs. They’re a great way to connect with other Toons around Toontown, and work together to stop those Cogs! So what are you waiting for? Mosey on over to Toon Hall to pay us a visit, just poke my sis and she'll help get you all set up. "But Bro," you dudes may be asking, "what all do clubs do?" Well, the short n' sweet of it can be found here in this trailer!

Mac Opsys and Winn Dos


Attention, Toons of Toontown! Mac Opsys here, I am interrupting this broadcast to warn you all of the gravest of dangers, ring the most alarming alarms of them all! Everybody, it's time--

Hey! *I* was going to make that announcement!

Hehe, s-sorry! I got carried away. 

Hmph, okay, you heard them everybody! It's time to grab your pies and ready your seltzer bottles, we're going to--


The Managers

Ah, Mac, Mac, Mac, you simpletoon! You call this an encrypted broadcast? I've seen better security in Mr. Oilcan's office! Allow me to introduce ourselves. We are the new hires to C.O.G.S. Incorporated, regional managers if you will. We have been assigned permanent locations in each part of Cog Nation, with the goal of keeping you twerps in your place! Not that you ever stood a chance, even Buck could outsmart most of you on a bad day--

Duck Shuffler:
AHAHAHAHA--wait, what'th that thuppothed to mean? Who needth brainth when you have oddth like MINE? Of courthe thothe little critterth never thtood a chanthe!! The bunch of y'all thould come an' put your luck to the tetht–I'll deal y'all in! Whaddaya thay? Wanna take a thpin?? C'mon, you KNOW you want to!!

Hello? HELLO?? Ith thith thing ON??

Toonth? BRIAN??

Dave, why don't you roll netht? You'll play with ol' Buck, won'tcha??

Major Player:

This one man big band will always take that ace in the hole for a spin! Always trust a spinning wheel it'll come back around next time if you let it.
OOooh-hooohoo- baby blue! Looks like the hottest hit on the market is about top be let loose, the beat is on the loose, the music is on it's cue, and baby you'll have to catch that rhythm before I catch you!
If you're feeling grooovy and need to loose the blues, baby I got music on perfect cues, come on down the home of the melodious master of melody (me)! My show is on tonight and babe anyone-a-two-a-skibbididoo-doo is welcome to tap a toe or two to the best boogie woogie this beautiful beat blastin' ball's got to bounce to!

Only the grungiest granny couldn't grind a grin-a-jin to this brass boogie bombardier!

Oh oh, settle down, sweetheart, you don't have to always be this loud! I get you very clearly, but don't you think it'd do you some good to relax and stop moving all around all the time? Have some cookies to eat up, and take up a nice calm hobby to wind down, doesn't it sound just the best?

Oh, those Toons could learn a thing or two about it too, really! They're all just the messiest little troublemakers, you should hear the amount of gossip I hear on their antics!

What's with all the ruckus? I heard somethin' about gossip an' I know who's just the bell with the latest scoop. Knowin' plenty of things about Toons and Suits, certainly there's a secret or two they tried to hide that I already know about...

Better ring me up some other time, I 'aven't got all day, but I do believe someone here is quite familiar with knowin' how to mosey around...

Oh, yeah. Sorry, you'll have to get back to me on that one later. There's just so much to do, my hands are pretty full, you know? Shows to watch, snacks to eat, magazines to read. It's a packed schedule, and I'm already behind on it.

It's been pretty hard to hear my TV lately, with all that noise. Buzzing, and revving, and cannon firings. Someone must be doing yardwork nearby.

Chainsaw Consultant:
Don't remind me. Also, that's not yardwork, it's important company business! I submitted a proposal yesterday that included a resource survey risk analysis of the Woodchip & Paper District. Forgive me for wanting to get ahead in my work.

This bureaucracy is way too much for me. I spent years spinning my wheels for this company and getting nowhere! Now I FINALLY was able to get into a position of greater importance, one where I could possibly turn this vermin-laced land into the sort of place that a decent Suit would want to live in, and I can't even carry out my duties properly! ALL BECAUSE OF THE... sorry, I lost my train of thought.

At least I'm not alone in this logging land. Spruce arrived here alongside me, and I've been very thankful for it. Our friendship is one of the few things that keeps me going these days. I hope he's enjoying the job more than I am.

HAGGHGH? Aregh Yegh talkin' tah me, Revvington?
Ogh? Right, gottah say what for and why not!
Wehell, eyegh couldn't pass up an oghppughtyunityy like this nough could eyegh?!? This ghround is a littleh toooh fertile for mah likin'! Thehse Roooooootten trees an shrubs'll lumbergh in duegh time if eye've got anything to saygh about it! And eye do!

Nogh point in waghsten all this teyeme! Eye'll cut right to thegh chase! Eye'll turn this foreghst into a foresn't! AGHAHAGAHAGAHGAH!
Wheye dont'chah Toons paygh me a visit sometighme? Eyegh could use yah to sharpen meyegh axe! WAHAHAHAHHAHAAH-*cough*-*cough*-Blech!
This little birdie'll have tah find anothah place tah rest!

Wh-huh? No kidding. Not with all that racket you're all making, flocking to this one single frequency. Speaking of, do you mind? I'm with Belle on this one, some of us "little birdies" have some shut-eye to be catching up on. I know I'd appreciate it if you'd take your... hooting... and hollering.......


... Zzz...

Pacesetter and Firestarter:

UGH! This is taking FOREVER! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Does it look like I have all day to sit around and listen to you losers whine to each other? I have SOOO many better things I could be doing right now than crashing Tawney's little snooze-fest. For example... LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. As much as I'd love to sit here and talk about me, myself, and I, and the super exclusive Pace Place that, by the way, none of you bozos are invited to, I don't need to tell you how great I am. You should already know that by now!! Isn't that right, Flint?

Oh, uh, yeah...! Sorry, you kind of lost... wait, Graham, none of us...?

Well, you're invited, Flint, obviously. You're the only person who's managed to earn a membership after all.

Oh, right, haha... I knew that! Silly me... I'll, uh, I'll try my best not to set anything on fire this time... Er, on second thought, maybe it would be better if you came here? At least in the Coal & Ice District the only thing I can catch on fire is Toons... and I like doing that...! And, I, um, not to boast, but I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it, heh... Sigh, if only those pesky Satellites would just let me do my job instead of trying to get me in on their schemes... oh, no, I shouldn't have said that-

What d'ya mean about my boys lettin' ya in on their schemes, fire boy? They're the most trustworthy fellas on tha planet, and yer goin' around spreadin' lies! Shoulda taught ya some manners! Certainly ya should know better anyways, talkin' like ya know everythin' when yer too shy to really put your own foot down! Havin' to rely on ol' Speedy Gonzalez here to guide ya around cuz ya can't do it yourself! Should know better than ta--

--Ahem. Anyways, besides all of that chatter bein' over with, I hope none of ya chumps end up comin' up and waltzin' into my territory unwanted. Ya got another thing comin' if ya decide to intrude on my business! My boys and I won't take too kindly to all that, and we DEFINITELY ain't messin' around when we say we'll leave ya runnin' out of there wit ya tails between ya legs! And don't think any of ya chumps are worthy enough to be apart of the family, ESPECIALLY not that lousy, boisterous no good Prester, always with his big fancy words and all that. Can barely understand the guy! 

Witch Hunter:
You dare to collogue about me with such a contemnable manner of speech?! You’re practically as bedraggled with your wording as those recreant toons! If we didn’t participate in an analogous goal, I would personally incinerate you at the stake alongside those rodents! Yet, forsooth, you’re not even the most abhorrent of the present throng. This "knight," if you dare to even call her that, has such a dearth of civility and magnanimity! She is markedly the most pestiferous suit I have ever had the vexation of laying my eyes on. Why, I never want to perceive her again!

How DARETH thou speaketh of mineself in such a manner! Such arrogance frometh the likes of one whomst dareth not to engageth on the front lines! Descendeth from yond tower, dearest Prester; sayeth such to mine own face. While thou art at it, feeleth free to taketh meaningful action against those Toons most foul. Or art thou merely fulleth of hot air? Between thyself and that beloathed diver, it may seemeth as though I am alone in mine own pursuiteth of our unifying cause!

Deep Diver:
Oh please, Holly. If you would stop being so judgemental in your assumptions and visited the Offshoring & Drilling District, you'd sea that I am indeed doing my share! I ashore you that I’m working towards our cause as much as any other Suit—those Toons will not continue on their path of destruction if I have anything to say about it. And I do: these are my waters now.

Oh, nobody told me there would be a get-together. Am I too late to tag along?



Hello? Is anyone--


Reid Stock:
Oh dear, that’s enough of all that.
Say, if y’all are itchin’ for a fight, why don'tcha stop by the playgrounds and give the Kudos boards a looksie. I’m sure these fellas are gonna kick up some dust around town and folks’ll appreciate the extra hands if you’ve got the time. Speaking of helpin’ out, come pay me a visit out on the streets if any of ya darlin’s see me! Got plenty of pies for y’all just waitin’ to be thrown--for a price of course.

But that’s not all dear, so much else around town has changed as well! You can find all the changes right HERE! 

Hope to see y’all soon!

For a full list of credits on the update, click HERE !