ATTN: The Director's Cuts

Posted on by The Chairman of C.O.G.S. Inc.


"The Director's Cuts"

Greetings. This is a notice from Robert Cyger, Chairman of the Board at C.O.G.S. Incorporated, directed to all employees.

Observant Suits may have spotted a number of changes to the staff list upon clocking in, particularly the new faces from the Boardbot Department, along with other cosmetic adjustments. Rest assured, the oil has not been tampered with, and remains at the highest standard of quality the company is legally able to offer, but enough with the "jokes."

These are your new coworkers.

They've been brought in as replacements for underperforming Suits, many of whom did not meet the standards of C.O.G.S. Incorporated in fields such as efficiency, market value, and/or penmanship. These demerits have led to a unanimous decision by the Board of Directors: the decommissioning of every Boardbot with the exception of two upstanding Suits.

In order to cut down on employee banter and needless introductions (which has led to a 1.68% reduction in stocks), my secretary has collected relevant information regarding each of the new hires. Employees are encouraged to spend two minutes of their next unpaid break as a "Fraternization Period" (Mr. Bravecog has informed us that there is a trademark pending), using that time to read through the following information before returning to work.

Fraternization Period

Bagholder - Shrewd and patient. Showcases fortitude and principled behavior through holding onto stocks despite declining values.

Paper Hands - Cautious. Has provided several hundreds of documents warning of potential bankruptcy in situations that have been deemed "unlikely" and "quite unlikely."

Insider - Trustworthy. Listed "does not engage in criminal behavior" as a personal strength. Has unexplained intuition regarding non-public information of other companies.

Circuit Breaker - Energetic. Previously served as a substitute generator. Excels at preventing market freefalls.

Deadlock - A fearsome negotiator who refuses to compromise on any position. May provide inspiration for the Sellbot Department.

Shark Watcher - Highly observant and aggressive. Has a sterling record of preventing hostile takeovers for other corporate ventures. Keeps a close eye on Insider for reasons unknown.

Magnate - Promoted. Holdover from prior division. Do not waste printer ink.

Head Honcho - Retained position. Holdover from prior division. Do not waste printer ink.

By reading through this section of the Memorandum, you have officially greeted the new hires. The "Fraternization Period" has ended, and you may continue reading the document normally.

Quality of Life

The aforementioned observant Suits may have also noted a number of slight modifications to their hardware and/or software. Rest assured, (See para. 2, sent. 2, word 30 for relevant "joke").

These changes, provided all Suits operate at peak performance, should provide a 15.98% increase in efficiency, a 21.54% increase in market value, and a 0.01% increase in penmanship. It is advised that all Suits be made aware of the changes listed below.

Company Dress Code and Updated Inventory

The C.O.G.S. Incorporated dress code has been modified, granting an exception to the "Cold Collar Clause" that allows for the use of closed collars by Suits such as the newly hired Insider. A focus group, comprised of Mr. Biggs and Ms. Monsoon, were responsible for appraising the altered dress code. Mr. Biggs has requested the personal adoption of the closed collar style, and Ms. Monsoon in particular requested more dramatic alterations to her wardrobe in response to "environmental hazards." Additional requests from Ms. Monsoon for a hood, an umbrella, and anonymity in this Memorandum have been denied due to budgetary restrictions and inelegant behavior.

C.O.G.S. Incorporated has also used this opportunity to update the requirements regarding the use of stationery in combat. Many of the products utilized were 21 years out of date, and have now been modified to fit modern standards of quality. Suits utilizing golf clubs, water coolers, paper shredders, typewriters, and rubber stamps will find that their inventory now has a "new car smell."

To conclude the modifications to the inventory, Mr. Dolair requested the replacement of gears with gold coins as a means to combat Toons. While purely cosmetic, this request was granted.

Hardware Improvements

Suits have also been universally improved in their ability to move and work efficiently through modifications in hardware.

A number of anonymous complaints have been issued regarding the speed of engagement between Toons and Suits, and I am pleased to declare that Suit attacks will no longer exceed six seconds.

Enhanced joint movement allows universally improved gestures for attacks, as well as better coordination for tasks such as dictation, oil consumption, and the use of company-approved adhesive decals. Toons may also take advantage of these upgrades by using "Stickers" while wearing disguises. Remain alert for the use of unauthorized adhesive decals.

Software Improvements

As a result of these upgrades, software has now been fully developed to take advantage of the newly refined hardware.

All Suits now have access to a targeting system, displaying a circular indicator beneath a Toon that is being attacked. Research & Development warns that some Toons are capable of disabling this feature via an "Options Page", but they also believe that many Toons do not know what an "Options Page" is.

Specific software has been developed for the new Boardbot hires, granting three additional attacks that are exclusive to Boardbots. Mr. Dolair requested software upgrades for the Cashbot Department in line with these changes, but his replacement of gears with gold coins already utilized a substantial portion of the department budget. After a lengthy discussion, Mr. Dolair reimbursed C.O.G.S. Incorporated enough to authorize the development of one additional attack for the Penny Pincher.

Final Statement

I understand that many of these upgrades and changes to the company may provoke excited responses. Suits may even be tempted to extend their unpaid breaks for an additional ten seconds.

Do not get complacent. There is no excuse for poor performance.

Toons will respond to these changes quickly. Many Toons have already updated their "tasks" to suit the new hires. Field reports also suggest that Toons have fortified certain buildings against Suits, meaning hostile takeovers are now impossible for buildings that provide critically important "tasks."

They continue to adapt in non-task departments as well. Toons have streamlined engagements with Ms. Morsecode regarding noise attacks and taunts. Even their "Clubs" have reduced staff expansion costs and now provide better types of tasks, incentivizing Toon organization against the company.

No Suit will sit idly by while Toons make a mockery of my company. I expect a 150% increase in employee efficiency by the end of the month. Anything less than that is an utter embarrassment, and embarrassments will be quickly fired and decommissioned.

"Con Artist." "Connoisseur." "Swindler." "Middleman." "Toxic Manager." "Big Fish."

Keep those names at the forefront of your hard drives. Think about them the next time you consider taking a "sick day."

-- Robert Cyger, Chairman of the Board at C.O.G.S. Incorporated

Notes from The Corporate Clash Crew

Welcome to the 1.7 update! Six entirely new Cogs, and complete redesigns for the two holdovers! We've been excited to show off these new Cogs for some time now, and we're hoping all of you enjoy the new designs and their unique attacks. As you've probably already figured out, the 1.7 update focuses a lot on quality-of-life improvements, particularly regarding visuals and animations, and it's a cavalcade of small things that end up making the game feel a lot different. Stay TOONed for a Backstage Corporate Clash blog post, especially if you want to see the design process behind all these new Cogs.

The Chairman has arranged for a Boardbot Department Invasion from now until 9th March so you have a better chance of running into these brand new Boardbots!

Click here to read the full patch notes!